15 March 2008

a rocky road to peace

When I walk Zacchi, I am sometimes frustrated by the number of stops we make to make to mark the spot. When Zacchi walks me, he is confused and frustrated by the number of stops I make to capture the spot. I look up, he sniffs down. On Thursday we decided that we really do need one of those retractable leads, no matter who is walking whom...

...

I love to be up, in all ways. Up high, physically, helps me to be up emotionally, spiritually. So even though I live up on a hillside and can look out over the valley, there is always the urge to climb higher, to look further. On Thursday, I did just that. I had had an awful day on Saturday, the day for celebrating women. Wednesday, my "day off", my day for me, I worked. It was still a day for me, I came home very much "up" after my guiding, but it was a work day. So on Thursday, feeling a little guilty about not working until I rationalised it as above, I went up. I found a spot in the sunshine, and just let the view and the sun fill my soul. And as I rested there, I told myself that this was me, just "being".

But now, as I write this, I look at my words "just let the view" and "just being". I think "just" has to be redefined in my personal vocabulary. I hereby renounce it's meaning "no more than, only", in relation to myself. I use that too often. Today, should I happen to go up the hillside to be, it is me, being. And it is right and just that I should be.

...

Thursday saw our long walk, the first after the flu. It was celebratory really, being "up" again, and of course the camera came too. I stopped, repeatedly, much to Zacchi's frustration. But the photos of the rocks I posted last night I have taken off the post, because they couldn't begin to convey what I felt. I was so full of the sense that, although it has no "logic" to it, it is right and proper that I should live here, in this rocky, ancient place.

It's the rocks. I absolutely love the rocks. One day I will try to put it into words, but for now it stays within my heart. But when I walk from my wee hamlet to the historic centre, along my mountainside, I am filled with a sense that it is so right for me to be here.

As a child I had a fabulous rock and river stone collection. I had an obsession with the Kerikeri Stone Store, long before I ever saw it. My favourite parts of the New Zealand landscape are the raw, powerful escarpments, the cuttings through the rocks on the Desert Road, the Napier-Taupo road, the Wairoa-Napier Road. When I went to my school reunion I have to confess that, contrary to my expectations, I felt little when I walked into the school, when I met old school friends. But driving the Napier-Wairoa road filled me with a sense of belonging, to the landscape, to the hills, to the ridges, to the rocky faces. It is a wonder I made it there safely at all, I don't think I looked at the road ahead of me as I drove.

My mountain, without a doubt, is Whakapunaki, although for more than 25 years I looked at Mt Te Aroha every day. But it feels as though, despite all my years in New Zealand, it was the rocky mountains around Roccasecca that were persistently calling, calling me home.

.....

Whakapunaki, a sleeping giant, viewed from the place I once called home

Above my village

The Liri valley, and "my" little village

And further up...

Call me crazy if you wish, but I am very sure I have lived here before. She who couldn't stand on the glass panel in the Auckland Sky Tower without holding onto the rail felt young and as sure-footed as a mountain goat amongst these ruins.

3 comments:

nzevents said...

I am trying to leave the word "just" out of my vocabulary entirely. It is so limiting.

I find that it especially bugs me when I hear it in prayers "Lord, we just pray for this, and we just pray for that". It is like we are apologising for bothering God, but now that we have bothered Him, we want to minimise the size of our request in the hope that it will be approved.

I am enjoying your posts.

Kay said...

That's it exactly! I suspect it stems from wanting to be humble in prayer, but surely God says get out there and live, make the most of all you have, be a shining example of what life and love can be. And that means being positive, making the most of every opportunity to be happy, and not minimising anything... miracles come in all sizes; I don't think God minds how big the request!

And, always, I go back to my favourite childhood verses... "I'll be a sunbeam..."

Unknown said...

All of your words strike a bell within me. Your childhood home is typical NZ ... vibrant colours... does the artist in you ever miss our NZ green and blue skies? The Liri valley seems hazy by comparison... Italian light is softer.

I avoid school reunionions (silly looking word) for the very reason that you mentioned... don't really want to go back in time, and I have found that my 'bosom buddies' from school and I have taken such separate paths that our only common ground now is the past... we have little in common in our respective 'nows' and expectations.

Love your blog... your 'just' comments are simply right! The word has just been over-used until it has just lost its power. However, don't beat up on your self if it just slips into your words from time to time...?

God, the Universe... your spiritual being ... call it what you will... definitely says get out there and make the most of your talents and your abilities. Ask for the biggest and boldest desires you can imagine... why be humble? 'Humble' is an oxymoron... it suggests that one worries about others' opinions of self, yet if 'god' gave you all that talent and allowed you to live in that beautiful body, surely god expects you to use it!

That's what I cannot accept about Christianity!!!The need to regard ourselves as unworthy. The very idea that we are conceived in original sin and then persuaded that we need baptismal forgiveness before we are eligible to be accepted into the kingdom of heaven... even a tiny baby is considered to be a sinner. ROT!... and by god's own definition, impossible... we are all created in his image... are we not?

I believe that we are on this earth to be HAPPY... and our work is to strive to improve our lot...trust in the fact that the universe has plenty for everybody, and your share is waiting for you to collect it!... and in so doing we will uplift others by example... but we must be true to ourselves. We`must carve our own destiny... we must use our talent and our ability to reason to pave our way to a higher state of being.

Eschew all that religious baloney Kay my love, and look to your spiritual self for guidance. Your emotions will are your immediate feedback; they tell you 'this feels good/bad'... and you should trust them... they havent yet learned to second guess their opinions!

So (hypothetically) on a 'bad' day, when your thoughts and emotions are low, you have the ability to rescue yourself by talking yourself up the emotional scale, from feeling sick or depressed to rage to frustrated to laughter to happy and creative.

But I wax on... hammering the table as usual... love you Kay...

Bronwyn xoxo

PS There IS a path... it may fork, but we choose our path... we are on a journey... all we need is to visualise our desired destination and behold!... we will find ourselves in it. Our thoughts and the images that we foster in our minds are the pre-pavers of our path... we can choose how each day will unfold... we can turn frustration into laughter, rage into creativity... we are the creators.

B xo